#fear me i am death
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sir you have my everything sir
#rent free in my head#i fear that i am simply.... no longer alive#time of death 12:00nn 01/11/2025#bc mentally i am still HERE#rhfwnekjdfnkcjwhesndfkjvernd he's driving me insane ic an't do thi s#(this user thinks about caleb daily)#lnds garden 🌹#love and deepspace#love & deepspace#lnds#lads#l&ds#love and deepspace caleb#love & deepspace caleb#lads caleb#lnds caleb#l&ds caleb
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i put on my boots. i am 4cm taller than usual. everyone watch the fuck out
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Welcome to the Dungeons of Fear and Hunger.
#Fear and Hunger#D'arce Cataliss#Cahara#Ragnvaldr#Enki Ankarian#Unlike Dungeon Meshi - I cannot in good faith recommend this game to a broad audience.#My background with F&H goes as follows: I am hanging out with a friend. He says “hey try this game I've been playing.” I say “Okay!”#I have never heard of this game. I pick the mercenary. I go through 5 min of character history and background. I am mauled to death by dogs#It took me 4 resets to even get in the dungeon. But I finally get there. I am caught by a guard. He cuts off all but one of my limbs#I am forced to crawl around in a blood and corpse pit until the game tells me 'give up idiot'.#I reset. I am mauled by dogs again. I realize this is not for me but I am intrigued enough to go home and watch some playthroughs#And WOW what an interesting game it is! I really do appreciate games that blend their design philosophy with the theme it wants to set#This is a game about fear and hunger. And persevering. And penis (my god is there a lot of penis)#I recommend this to people who like extremely challenging games and can handle the many *content warnings* within this series#If the idea of Bloodborne/eldenring and undertale having a little RPG maker baby sounds appealing to you - give it a shot#It's made by ONE GUY and it's a great horror game. I am just really bad at it.#My friends just enjoy putting me in situations where I scream and yell. We don't talk about the corn mazes. Or the other horror game nights#Apparently I'm funny when I'm Scared!#As people who follow me on twitter might know; I am deep in the pits of this series right now. I will be back with more art.
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Please pray for two different young adults I know of who have cancer, which is most likely terminal
#too many people around here have gotten cancer#I am so so so grateful my sister made it#but it fills me with such dread and sadness that there are other young people who have to deal with what will probably be an early death#but lots of pain and fear regardless#prayer request
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last night i got home kind of tipsy and very much in tears and my mother told me the force you exert to keep someone in your life is proportional to the force with which they will leave your life. if you have to fight tooth and claw to keep them, their leaving will be just as hard, just as harsh, and just as definite.
#she said it like a law. its just momentum.#also she told me to get a therapist and start archery ASAP bc i need to get it together#and also she said even granting that this person u were in love w was So Special . as in hot motorcycle-riding iranian masc lesbian in ldn#they arent the only one on earth and that once i start my proper adult life outside of studies etc etc i will probably no longer live in th#UK. she said most non straight iranians u would like have left the country anyway . where do you think they went? theyre out there#and also she asked me to imagine how many hot gay iranians there may be in italy or amsterdam or smth and i was like ok points 😭 maybe#ur right. anyway i was having a feeling of dread bc crying into the arms of ur strict asian mother while buzzed usually results in#death chaos destruction etc in the next few days but actually i think maybe she has genuinely changed as a person and the fear is#unwarranted#anyway i need to eat breakfast and study w the date person i met yesterday#they are so nice ??? genuinely so so sweet i dont feel attracted to them at all omg i genuinely think i have a thing for hot evil ppl 😭#but we could b besties . theyre a lot more romantic than the ex situationship person too like generally . ugh they should be perfect but#alas it appears i am shallow as fuck or potentially a lesbian actually#OH THEY MIGHT ALSO BE POTENTIALLY A LESBIAN BTW#i think i just tend to not date cis ppl entirely by accident#....feel free to rb if u want btw sorry for the rant
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I tell you how you kill me in my dreams.
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Dima was visited by the local vampire. She will bite him back, next time. Alt version under the cut.
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#I love you Tatyana PCs I love you doomed PC narratives I love you dhampir PCs who can’t control themselves I love you death-seeking maidens#to be a dhampir in curse of strahd is to be both predator and prey. I love it.#idk if anyone elses campaigns use Dark Kiss rules from VRGtV but it’s a unique fear and I recommend it if you do Ireena/Taty PC#anyway enough of my yappin#curse of strahd#dungeons and dragons#dnd character#dnd#dnd fanart#dungeons and dragons art#cos: the sorority#CoS PC: Demetria#I don’t mind this being use in place of Ireena if you so wish. She is an Ireena pc after all.#curse of strahd pc#oh yeah. more yapping. strahd took my fucking sword from me again!#I am going to steal something out of his fucking house again!#song is Hanging by Marika Hackman#my art
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Spoilers
Ok now that the initial shock has faded and I'm much more grounded. This chapter is good actually. Everyone knew Sukuna was going to die and to some extent I knew his death was going to be anything but glorious. It's jjk people rarely get good and respectful death let alone a grand and glorious one but yeah Gege took me out again with how he closed Sukuna's arc. Was it underwhelming? Yes. In jjk if you don't adapt, don't change you're doomed to fail and Sukuna no matter how much physically strong he was always emotionally fragile and in the end his own lack of self awareness became his cause of demise. Kenjaku the biggest villian of the series (for me, the heinous acts he has done is way more than mass murder) got a pretty satisfying end for him because he was open to see and connect with Takaba. Sukuna never did that and died a lump of flesh. And honestly it's not humiliating or pathetic. At first glance it did seem like with him becoming a slime but he didn't die begging for his life rather still being the no 1 hater and his pride mostly intact (he did looked overwhelmed but when after 1000 years you actually lose it's given) also as hypocritcal as ever (mocking Yuji and others for fearing death but he himself felt that too) His death was neither like a glorious warrior nor truly pathetic like Mahito's. For me he just...had a simple and quick death. Though Yuji holding his remains and finally telling him something that he always unconsciously craved for was very bittersweet maybe this is what Yuji had told him on their stroll time things could've been...better? His 'you're me' moved me honestly. They both are the different sides of a coin. It was sad how Sukuna (the man who never cared for any identification or title) for the first time out of everything chose to identify as a...curse really showed how hollow his sense of self was actually. But no matter how much Sukuna denied it he was still...a human not a god not a curse and he died as such and with the only family he ever had at that (maybe if you see he died in the hands of the only family he ever had) and though a direct parallel to Mahito it wasn't hate that Yuji felt and I think neither pity but empathy genuine empathy. Wishing a place where Sukuna could get someone like he had his grandfather, Gojo had Geto and Megumi had Him....
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Rip Ryomen Sukuna very few other characters had me itch my brain with their duality.
#i don't know what am i yapping but i need to get all this off my mind.#his death for me was first as everyone what the hell!? but now its... bittersweet#i hate how gege make me react two different extreme emotions in span of hours.#my only complaint it would've been better to get some last thoughts from Sukuna too maybe next chapter Sukuna airport scene🤔#also me being a Sukuna stan and my competition is Uraume🙇♀️🙇♀️ can never win against them#i have so many thoughts and i fear i sound like 6 year old again#jujutsu kaisen#sukuna#jjk#ryomen sukuna#jjk spoilers#jjk leaks#jjk 268
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thinking about elain’s story and bodily autonomy. i think sjm was very intentional in using elain’s powers to introduce us to vassa and koschei. how vassa’s body was corrupted against her will by koschei, and how her existence is now defined by the changes he made. thinking about how koschei has a lake full of swans who were once women who’s bodies he changed against their wills as well. thinking about how elain was changed against her will by a cruel king to teach a lesson to somebody else. how she was reduced to a body and then a tool, a means to an end (to demonstrate the power of hybern against her sister but especially people she barely knew). how even the tool used to change her, the cauldron, which once belonged to the mother and symbolically can be connected to the womb, was appropriated and used forcefully by the king of hybern.
i think about how canon suggests that the cauldron loved elain, that perhaps it gifted her the powers it did because it loved her. maybe the cauldron recognized then, that this poor girl was like it, and sought to give her the power to prevent what was being done to her, and what had been done to countless other women and girls by making her a seer. let’s not forget that elain’s vision of vassa helped them turn the tide of the war against hybern and that it was elain that struck the killing blow against the king of hybern in defense of her sister, another who was denied bodily autonomy. ultimately bodily autonomy, especially given the current political climate in the US is a really heavy theme to deal with, but i sincerely hope that this thread is continued, and that we will get to see an elain who is empowered, and empowered on her own terms. an elain who reclaims her body and her future, and helps others do the same.
#what would a death god who turned immortal for fear of his own death fear more than a woman who can wield the future against him?#elain destroy’s koschei by showing him he heat death of the universe in a vision causing 1 billion psychic damage#elain archeron#pro elain archeron#pro elain#guys i am SO excited for her book because if it’s done well i will forgive sarah for the incredibly weird and fucked up#fatal pregnancy drama of the previous book#actually. thinking of it now i HOPE elain reflects on what happened to feyre in her book at least briefly#you can’t tell me that wasn’t traumatic as FUCK#oh btw this isn’t a shipping post and if you treat it as such i will hit you with my psychic bazooka (block button)
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i felt you at the beginning but needed you at the end
#fall out boy#youngblood chronicles#id in the alt text#*mine#*art#i've had this mental image in my head for like a month#didn't fully succeed in delivering on it but that's ok i got it out and that's the important thing#these two make me insane#their whole story is told in the gaps. in the negative space. a place to which i am unquestionably drawn#they are hands on shoulders. they are brushes with mortality.#patrick did not slit andys throat and he did not strangle him with a loop of cord#the same way that andy did not have to stab patrick to death in the desert#in that sense andy is the only one who - from patricks perspective - has a physical presence uncorrupted by mutual destruction#they hold onto each other - transmit a sense of contact and fear and terror and reassurance - and then they let go#perhaps thats why andy was the only one patrick did not have a hand in destroying. because he knew to let go.
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here together
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobotomy corporation spoilers#abram lobcorp#i didnt know that the song that plays during day 48 ending is called 'here together'.#couldnt hear it well because i typically have my sound low (sensetive to louder sounds) and also the dialog fucked me up#so when i pressed on it to hear it. to actually listen to it. then to see the name and remember what it Looked like#i got teary eyed. sorry.#it happened quite. afew times when finishing this shitty thing#i was thinking of how camren's not quite corpse looked as if it were reaching out to him inside the container#how it looked as if she had wings. abrams words. the line from one story that was--#something like 'we were hoping it was just one big prank and she would hop out fro. around the corner with a smile on her face'#how do you move forward when all you think you cause is pain? when everything else youve done only brought to bring people you love to thei#downfall and demise inside agony and fear as they lay dying. none of that was merciful. none of that was just. they were told to carry on#her dream and he views as if all he had done was to become cruel and wasnt fit and never even began to finish what she started.#it was so striking to me. the language he used. sleeping. alseep. waken. when all the others never sugarcoated it#in lobcorp they always said it straight. 'suicide' 'killed' 'dead'. but he used something far more.. peaceful? kind in wording in a way.#softer. describing death as if it were a merciful thing. an end that suits them and not something to be afraid of. to just... sink. to slee#to be with carmen again. to put everything to an end#the place they built with their hands. to have it just... stop. not in a way of repeating and staying in the moment#but of a permanent end. to 'sleep'. to die. to just.... stop. forever. to see no more. to do no more#to not be able to do Anything for when ever he had done Something it just cause agony. cruel hands partaking in acts he so deeply#regrets. everything is just regret. it sounds nice. to move on. to just move forward. but how can you move forward when all you think you#bring to those you cherished and couldnt leave behind is pain?#ill likely move this somewhere else as well. ive been meaning to talk about abram#the rest as well actually. mostly just the few final days w abel adam and abram since i am STUCK ON DAY 49#oh dear i uh typed a lot in the tags. oops
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oh im obsessed with this actually… who ever wrote this one i am kissing u on the forehead and hugging you real tight… inigo is such a loverboy im kkkhhhhhhijnsdnfng
#ann plays awakening#EDITING TO SAY I STARTED TAG VENTING HIT READMORE AT YOUR OWN RISK#anyways#LAST LINE IS A KILLERRRR WOW#‘ann werent you just pairing olivia with thar—‘ OLIVIA IS A BUSY WOMAN OKAY#but also i just had this old save file from when i wanted to see pink inigo and decided to get some more supports#im obsessed actually like#ok tag venting time maybe this should be its own post but u guys know who i am#not only does this support in my very educated opinion do a good job at emulating inigo’s way of speaking#but i think theres also a very underrated characteristic he has that not a lot of people talk about and its that hes honestly quite morbid#him spending hours talking to and dancing with his mother’s grave is very beautiful and moving but it is also not a normal way to grieve#which makes sense because duh nothing about his life is normal but its j like. you know#if robin is his father (and maybe j the normal convo i dont remember) in the hot springs scramble he’ll insist upon bringing—#severed risen limbs home as a way to remember the peacefulness (lol) of the springs#and he thinks absolutely nothing of it!!#i think he gets attached to things just a little too intensely and because his life is surrounded by death how he expresses that can be#very interesting. and he talks about death all time more than the other kids#bc while a lot of their coping mechanisms are based in fear and the need to instill confidence in themselves (think cyn or gerome or owain#or sev or yarne or noire)#and how their SCARED of death and of loss and adapt different behaviors to act like theyre not (to varying degrees of success)#i think inigo is much more accepting of the fact that death follows him and has made it a normal presence in his life#which is not a good thing it means that he hasnt let himself grieve. he lets death hang over him and follow him instead of pushing back#also guess which one of the awakening trio in fates has the canonical story death. just by the way lmao#anyways bc im writing this in the tags on my phone i cant actually see what the hell ive been saying im j stream of consciousnessing this#but my point is that inigo has a weird fixation on death and dying that stems from his inability to make peace with death and grieve#and i think him idolizing death in this support (this BRILLIANT fan support that made me ill) is so in character and so lovely#i miss him so bad (hes literally in the photos im posting) grghhhrgah#i wuv him :(
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seeing non-black people critique rick's portrayal of black characters is interesting sometimes. only like 30% of the critiques I see make any sense to me to be honest
#“rick made carter be an elvis presley fan that's fucked up!” is a real thing I just read#do you think black people can't enjoy elvis even though he appropriated black culture for personal gain#boy you would not like what I have to tell you about eminem. or kpop. or anything else bc black culture has been#appropriated by like everyone forever. are black people not allowed to enjoy iggy or ariana or billie or [the list goes on]#I myself am not biracial but I /mostly/ like carter and sadie (specifically carter who isn't white-passing) as black representation#the part where carter feels indignant that he has to hold himself to a higher standard because the world is harsher on black boys#did genuinely resonate with me when I first read that part as a child and it still does to this day#can we talk about how rick knows nothing about black hair instead#or how hazel is from the jim crow era and seems to not have one single thought about race in the modern era#or hazel's horror over the amazons keeping slaves but “no they're not slaves they just like it that way 🥰”#my problems with hazel are not at all about stereotypes I just don't buy her as an authentic portrayal of a black girl from the 1930s#don't get me started on beckendorf. does every black character need to die a violent horrible death rick#anyways this isn't intended to make anyone feel bad but we need more meaningful nuance in critiques beyond “hey that's a stereotype! bad!”#if you can't discern and communicate WHY it's bad then you're not saying anything of substance#is it a caricature? is it uninformed/underresearched? are all the characters from that group being represented in that way?#is the stereotype itself a degradation of that group? is it being played for laughs? is the character a one-dimensional stereotype?#what can we glean about the biases of the author/narrative and their worldview through their portrayal of certain groups in the text?#a big part of literary analysis and critique is not only pointing out The Thing. you need to also say something about The Thing#like if you have a black character say they like hiphop then sure it's a “stereotype”. but lots of black people do like hiphop#it's an important part of black american culture and portraying that in media isn't racist by default#and in fact lots of poc keep parts of themselves quiet for fear of being perceived as a “stereotype” when we shouldn't have to do that#BUT if you're doing it like jonah wizard was written in the 39 clues then that's where we've got a problem bc wtf was that rick#that was so racist oh my god I was like 11 years old reading that 😭 and then he had the white mc poke fun at him for being a gangster#and him being a “gangsta” was always played for laughs throughout the story#not being pro-rick here as I'm a big fan of critical riordan reading just being pro-thoughtful critiques because some of you guys actually#sound a wee bit ignorant when saying things like what was mentioned in the first tag#baye.txt#pjo hoo toa#rr crit#<- tagging that just for. well the tags basically
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alright this has been sitting in my mind ever since i first heard it a few days ago, but what Emmrich says about his fear of death in his first scene? It hit differently. Im gonna elaborate underneath the cut.
(also this might be too much personal info for some, but anyways)
'Thats when I discovered I possess a great terror of dying' is putting something I have felt for close to 3 years now so... precisely into words.
I have spend so much trying to find words for this feeling, for this fear, and have not yet managed to communicate it with anyone really so far, because the words have just... not been there.
'It goes beyond dread. It cant be reasoned with or soothed over. It comes without warning, in the dead of night, in sunlit streets. A raw, strangling fear, struck somewhere deep past the heart.'
It hides behind every corner of your life. You can go on with your day like any other person, you can be alone at home or out with friends, seeing the world, and suddenly youre hit with this 'someday it wont matter anymore and you wont feel this feeling and never smell the air again' and you cant outrun it.
Its something you cant change, something maybe not even worth mentioning because there is no way out anyways, so why bother and try to find a reason within it, when there is non to begin with?
'Oddly, I discovered I wasnt alone. I debated this fear with friends, I argued with teachers... Yet... It lingered.'
Others might feel the same, and yes its comforting to a degree, but still it wont make it go away. It wont make it better or unbearable somehow. Because its unreasonable. You know it is. Thats why Ive burried it so deep within me and try not to spiral into despair when these thoughts occure.
I am not really sure where I am heading with this but I guess I needed to get these thoughts out into the world somehow. Because hearing this, having it put into words so nicely? It helped. It made me shiver and it has lingered in my head for a while now, but it also gave me words for something I have not yet come around wording myself.
#every attempt to put it into my own words always kind of felt like an understatement of how dire the situation and the feeling is. but havin#someone say its terror is so... precise. it IS terror. I am terrified of dying. anyways#currently im handling my fears quite well so im good right now but there were times it was unbearable#this just made me think again and im glad im in a better place right now mentally and can sort my thoughts better than i did 2 years ago#when the spiral was ever looming in everything i did#death tw#dying tw#datv#datv spoilers#emmrich volkarin#dragon age spoilers#dragon age#dragon age the veilguard#anxiety tw#personal thoughts#the veilguard spoilers#veilguard spoilers
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wanna ask how you feel about the eridan bpd headcanon/theory(?? not sure what to call it!) you're so good at your character analysis and i'd love to see your outlook on it
Since I don't have a degree or any formal training in psychology, I feel deeply uncomfortable diagnosing characters. I've made an autism joke before but only because I'm on the spectrum. He's definitely traumatized and anxious, but I mean those as descriptors of his behavior rather than capital-D Diagnoses. I try to focus on those when I can - the cause and effect of cognition, self-image, and behavior - and those factors may very well match up with DSM criteria, but I try not to touch an actual diagnosis with a ten foot pole unless the author has explicitly stated that X character has Y condition.
#there's a variety of reasons for this#part of it is that im GROSSLY unqualified to be handing out diagnoses when it takes a full on PhD to do that in real life#part of it is that psychology is inchoate and we are still very much in murky waters#for example: complex ptsd isn't even IN the DSM yet#and iirc my therapist told me it was because theyre still figuring out how to classify it (attachment disorder? trauma disorder? etc.)#part of it is that (from my limited and undereducated understanding) there are diagnoses that you can assign by completing a checklist...#but some that require a hell of a lot more testing and ruling out other potential causes#and the cluster-b personalities are (IIRC) not even ones you're supposed to diagnose minors with#bc of fears of self fulfilling prophecy and because minors in general are still developing personalities In General#and like the fact that i can't say that with authority speaks to how unqualified i am to do any diagnosing right? hahaha#and part of it is just because like#unless the story is specifically About That and the author has stated so explicitly#i think diagnosing characters tends to put blinders on analysis#like if i were to seriously go 'eridan is autistic' then it would massively bias my reading and understanding of his character#and we have 0 indication that eridan was ever explicitly intended to be autistic or that the author was trying to do an autism specifically#that doesn't mean that the reading is invalid because like thats what death of the author means#all readings are technically valid including stuff the author didn't necessarily intend#but that's just not the way i like to engage with media and not the way i like to approach character analysis#because PERSONALLY it just feels kind of reductive - but also -#i'd wager MOST of us don't have degrees in psychology#so when i say 'X character has Y condition' it might mean something totally different to somebody reading my analysis#even people who have Y condition aren't exempt because a lot of mental illnesses differ from person to person#whereas if i explain “X character has Y thoughts and Z behaviors” there's no ambiguity in that#eridan struggles with noticing that people are suffering and with realizing that he should care#at least part of this is due to his horrific murder-filled upbringing which rendered empathy a detriment & so he learned to ignore it#it could be autism - but it could also be trauma -#or he might just be Like That without actually meeting the diagnostic criteria for autism#& you can't even technically be diagnosed with C-PTSD#or maybe he has a burgeoning personality disorder but you aren't supposed to DX those too early anyway#or maybe hes just 13. see what i mean hahaha. ive reached the 30 tag limit
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In the event that the rumors of cheating aren't enough, and things are really going to be like this, consider this a warning. The censorship that may unfold because of this has prompted me to attempt to figure out to download a blog and... leave. I don't plan on leaving right away, but in the event that I have to just know that I loved you. The mutuals I talked to every day, the mutuals I saw only once a year, the ones I shared fandoms with, and the ones I didn't. I loved all of you. In the event that I'm forced to flee this hellsite of a home and I never see you again, know that I loved you. Know that I will think of you. Know that your life has made a positive impact on me. I wouldn't be the person I am now without this place and without you. Know that I'll miss you. I will never forget you. In the event that this blog becomes inactive, promise me you won't miss me because I'm gone, but because of all the happy memories we created. I'm not going to leave this site right now, but don't be surprised if I do. If I leave it is an act of self preservation. In the event this is goodbye, I truly hope we somehow meet again.
-Bluey
#im so tired#im so sorry#i thought we had this#i thought this would be fine#but apparently we were wrong#to all those who now fear for their lives#i love you#i wish it didn't have to be this way#if we fall into a 1984 like hyper surveillance state#know that I am with you#know that if I die it's because of them#because for once in my fucking life i choose to live#i choose to believe that there is good#and even though im not in a place where I can right now#know that when the time comes i WILL fight with you#because you're worth it to me#promise that I'll see you once this is over#life can be beautiful if you choose to live it#and don't blame you if you choose not to#years ago I was the same#your death will be a symbol of his ineptitude to me#it will not be in vein#in the event this is goodbye#until we meet again#abluehappyface
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Rambles in tags subject at own risk it’s witching hour for me
#struggling so deeply recently#just been in a death process of watching my entire#life burn down#and alll the things I was#running from#by living abroad and#traversing the globe#for the past 5 years#well there is nowhere to run now baby#it’s me!! I’m the problem it’s me !!’#because everywhere you go there you are#but being back in a place when you’ve spent#7 years running from is just hell#and I’m frozen and so lost on what to do with my life#I just want to melt into a puddle of goo or go#do a fuck ton of acid like baba ram dass!!#fuck guys I’m on rlly on the struggle bus#if you are also on the struggle bus I see you#we are doing the best we can ok 😭#I am like mentally unwell I fear#every day I fucking see saw from I got this I’m talented#and can achieve my goals and dream life!!#to I’m a loser and destined for failure !! and am just a POS#wow!! look what happens when limiting beliefs#run the fucking show#but I know they’re not real#but they feel so real#I’m like getting in my own fucking#way#when we literally live on a rock in space
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